His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage Fifteenth Anniversary Edition

Harley's approach to "affair-proofing" a marriage centers on a concept he labels "the love bank." Every husband and wife has a love bank that encounters both deposits and withdrawals from the opposite sex. A crucial distinction is made, however, in that deposits and withdrawals are made differently with men than they are with women. These differences are based upon the ten most felt needs of a relationship with the opposite gender. Husbands, in general, place the highest importance on the following five needs: sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, an attractive spouse, domestic support, and admiration. Wives, in general, place the highest importance on the following five needs: affection, conversation, honesty and openness, financial support, and family commitment. Both genders express need for all ten items, but typically husbands and wives have contrasting priorities.

According to Harley, when an individual meets one or more of the partner's greatest felt needs, deposits are made into the partner's love bank. When one or more needs are not met, withdrawals are made from the partner's love bank. An affair occurs when a spouse finds fulfillment for a strongly felt need elsewhere because it is not being met satisfactorily within the marriage.

Harley's love bank concept is the centerpiece of his best-selling work. While his list of felt needs may not apply precisely to every man and woman, he does present a very accurate picture for most men and women in our society today. He concludes his book with giving tips on surviving an affair, and offering hope to couples struggling with a sense of incompatibility.

If you are serious about preparing for marriage, protecting your marriage, or propelling your marriage to even greater heights, this book is a must. Order it, read it, and see how powerful and practical these time-proven principles are!


Great book - saved our marriage!!   August 13, 1999
72 out of 77 found this review helpful

This book is excellent and is a must-read for anyone contemplating marriage, having marital trouble, or happily married wanting things to be even more perfect. The previous reviewer may have taken the "needs" too literally. Dr. Harley mentions 5 of the "top" needs, but it is not the same for everyone. As a matter of fact, in my marriage, I have a few of the "male" needs, and my husband has a few of the "female" needs. But it works for us.

We were literally on the brink of divorce - only needed to get a lawyer. This book totally changed our thinking. We thought we were meeting each other's needs, but we were really meeting our "own" needs, which are rarely applicable to the spouse. We learned so much from this book, and now give it out as wedding presents to hopefully spare couples from the trouble we experienced.

I *highly* recommend this book, and don't know what we would have done without this information. We periodically read it again for a refresher course - and it always works wonders. I have read the John Gray books, but found this book to be the most helpful for us. Our marriage is fabulous now!


Saved my marriage, too.   November 21, 2002
John Hazucha (Edina, MN)
62 out of 66 found this review helpful

This is a GREAT book for those of you who love their spouse, but are not "In Love", those whose marraige is a little flat, but can't figure out why, those who have fallen "out of love" with their spouse and think that is "normal" in marriage, those who have taken the "divide and conquer" approach to family responsibilities and therefore have little time together, and those who are slowly drifting apart because their interests are different. Harley clearly shows us how to care for our spouses in ways that make them feel loved, and how to get to an "In Love" state that can last. It gave me the practical tools I needed to stop wasting energy trying to do things for my wife that she didn't really appreciate anyway, and re-direct my energy into things that mattered. It did the same for her.

That said, the book is not perfect.

By reading the other reviews here at Amazon.com, it is obvious that one of Harley's main points in this book can be missed by its readers. Apparently, people can read this book and miss Harley's statements that although the needs presented as "women's needs" are typical of women, and the needs presented as "mens needs" are typical of men, EACH PERSON IS DIFFERENT, so you should fill out the questionaire at the end of the book and figure out how this applies to you. Most people have at least one need that is "typical" of the other sex. My wife and I are pretty far from typical, so it probably helped that we took the questionaire BEFORE reading the book. I admit that the stereotypical way the needs are described is irritating.

I also agree that it can be read in a way that puts your spouse where God should be in your life. I don't think that is what the author says or means. I think looking at it as: "In a typical marriage we are to be God's method of providing for our spouse's emotional needs", comes pretty close to the truth. This book provides most of the tools needed to identify and meet those needs, and I can personally attest to the improvements that makes in a marriage.

To suggest, as one reviewer here does, that our spouses need to learn to accept the type of love that we have to give, rather than for us to learn to love them in the way they understand, is so wrong-headed that I cannot believe it. That seems to me to be demanding that our spouse change for us, rather than demanding of ourselves that we change for our spouse, which is a recipe for divorce...


Brilliant   December 14, 2004
Lisa
37 out of 41 found this review helpful

I almost did not buy this book because of the negative reviews scattered throughout this list. But the table of contents was so compelling and the reviews so polarized that I had to see for myself ~ and decided I'd better read it before I recommended it to the man in my life. As a woman, I find this book so accurate in so many ways that I'm tempted to underline the many statements the book makes that apply to me and give it to my loved one as a relationship bible and ask him to do the same for me. The exercises in the book look very useful ~ by the way, the book arrived today and I have only just put it down to write this review.

Ladies, those of you who have written appaulled by the chapter stating that men want an attractive wife, perhaps you have forgotten the reason you looked your best for your first date, for the day you thought he was going to propose, for your wedding day. At the time, you seemed to understand how important it was for you to look attractive and appealing to your man. Since you did not want him to change his romantic ways after marriage (and chances are he did) why would you think he would want you to change the way you take care of yourself? I didn't see anything in the book about plastic surgery, and I think the negative reviews way over exaggerate the book's encouragement of women's efforts to take care of themselves physically.

I've always believed that a man should not do anything at the beginning of a relationship (like send flowers, open car doors) that he's not willing to do until the end of time should the relationship last that long. Because if it was all for the catch, it was false advertising. So is your trim figure and attractive attire if they are only geared toward attaining the relationship in the first place. We all know men are visual creatures. The book doesn't say you can't get older, it only says to watch your weight and take care of your appearance because it very well may mean a great deal to the man you love.

If you are very over-weight, I think this book is telling the truth in more cases than many people would like to imagine. And that truth is that not only is it unhealthy for your body, it's unhealthy for your relationship if your significant other is like the majority of men. Yelling at the author isn't going to change that. It is stated clearly in the book that not all people have these same needs at these same degrees. But in my experience his expression of men's needs seem to be right on the nose and he describes my needs as a woman better than I've ever been able to explain myself.


Everybody who cares about relationships should read this .   December 6, 1998
38 out of 43 found this review helpful

I got this book from a friend and most of it i was very aware of anyway. But never had anyone to tell me or my wife . Now that we both have read it and both agree what we were doing wrong , our marriage has taken off like a sky rocket . We now communicate much better , have greater love and sex with each other . Men cheat a good woman out of a good marriage and women do the same to a good man. Men and women are different , but pleasing each other is easy indeed for most people. Everyone wants a good loving, fullfilliing , and wonderful marriage or a great romance . These basic concepts of understanding make a difference of night and day. AS wonderful as my wife was she was not making me happy, nor i making her happy.Now we openly talk about what and how to make each other happy , in all aspects of our marriage. Age and 28 years of marriage has changed both of us . But now we act totally different toward each other. I truely feel we may just stay together til our death. And be happy doing it. So men please understand all of your wifes needs and try to meet them the best you can. Women if you love your husband try to do the same thing. It will make a big difference in your happiness.And remember every man is different than the next guy. And everywomen is different from the next gal. Don't take anything for granted. Don't listen to gossip from any source. Talk about your needs , each being different and special . I have seen men cheat on their wives and this broke her heart . This could have been avoided if they just talked about each others needs and tried to fullfill them. Many women are unhappy in their marriage, and the husband has now idea why. Open up your brains and hearts if you want your marriage to last. If you don't , divorce is very expensive and you detroy each other so badly. Many 30 year marriages could have been 60 year marriages. I recommend reading this book to any adult male or female .